Product of the System

Man, here I am again… It’s 4am now, and I’m still up working.

I just finished a huge post on SE Conspiracy (here) with one of my latest conspiracy theories. It took me over 4 hours to make that post -due to the depth or the required investigations and data gathering. But, I think it was worth the effort, because I really see now that traffic from the search engines seems to matter very little these days.

I mean free traffic from the search engines is great, but if we focus on that aspect too much, I think we will miss out in the long run.

Anyway, this post isn’t really supposed to be about my work. It’s more about the fact that I’m still up late having to work to try to get something going in my life. It seems like everything is stacked against me. I’ve been up against brick walls before, but I always managed to see my way ahead and carved out my path to success. This time, however, I believe the crooked cops have managed to put me in a hole from which I cannot escape. I cannot even see my way ahead.

I have back taxes that I cannot pay. I cannot even pay my accountant for preparing the taxes! I have a car payment deadline tomorrow and I can’t pay that. My neck and back (from the wreck) are killing me, and my insurance (for uninsured motorist) is still giving me the run-around while I have spent my last dollar on doctor visits and medication. *sigh*

I do have some paying work this month -which is good- but I’m in so much pain that it is tough to focus and get it done. I frequently drift off and forget what I’m doing. I’ve also been having more and more of this eye-shifting thing.. like a mini-seizure or something. The skin at the back of my skull tightens up and then my eyes “glitch” for lack of a better word and everything in my vision jumps from side to side. It lasts for just a second, but it’s creepy and tends to make me just about fall over if I’m walking when it happens.

I think it has something to do with the drug, Amitryptilene, that I have to take. It has some really wild side-effects and seizures is one of them. I was given Darvocet as my pain killer because it is supposed to avoid seizures when taken together with Amytryptilene, but maybe it’s causing a conflict with me. Although, I have only taken the pain med twice in the last 30 days so far. I’m really against pain meds -even though I’m in a LOT of pain right now. But, taking Darvocet is really pointless anyway because it does very little to relieve my pain. I think it takes the “edge off” but it’s tough to tell. The pain is still mostly there. I am supposed to follow up on a referral to the pain clinic, but -again- I just don’t have the money. Man, I hate saying that. It sucks to be in this spot because of crooked cops. I do like to take responsibility and I hate it when I have to blame someone else but cannot punish them as they deserve.

My wonderful girlfriend, Leah, really urges me to go to the doctor but I keep trying to tell her that we just don’t have the money. I wouldn’t blame her for leaving right now, but she’s not that kind of person and I’m really proud of her for being willing to stick by my side through all of this. She’s really made my life worth living through these tough times. I just wish I could give her more but I can’t even buy her a decent Christmas gift and I know her family will look down on me for that. But, what can I do? I’m between a rock and a hard place.

I had a great job opportunity last week that would pay probably $60k within a year -which is far less than the 6-figure income I once made- but it would easily pay the bills and get us caught up. The problem is that they would’ve been very interested because of my skills and my experience but that damn felony keeps getting me turned down. Argh! I hate complaining about it, but I hate even more that I have to wear this scarlet letter when I didn’t even commit any crime.

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